Thursday, April 8, 2010

Jr. High

Way back then Junior High was important time in my life. First kiss, rated R movie, cooking for myself with more than a microwave, first date, first love, first heart break, and so less than pure firsts. Impure for lack of a better term, first wet dream, and first masturbation, witch put not surprisingly put an end to the wet dreams.

It was also when my first submissive feelings started to come out. I couldn't put a word to it then, and even now it takes me more than just one. I knew that I liked to fantasize about demanding women, spanking, and scarily (at the time) humiliation. These thoughts intensified the last summer before high school.

That summer I went to high school band camp (please no American Pie comments) where I and every other freshman was hazed. This was not Dazed and Confused hazing, there was no paddling or binge drinking. Most of it was mundane things like taking your assigned senior bags to their rooms, but one tradition that of a night of humiliating dress up. My assigned senior was a young woman, and she dressed me like a lot of male freshmen as a slutty girl.

Now I'm not a cross dresser, but a woman forcing me to do something that I can get behind. But as fourteen year old boy how was I to express or even understand these feelings. Sex Ed was functional to be nice about it, and my parents were no help, I never had "The Talk" they happily passed it of to the school.

So as my own son grows I'm left wondering and hoping that I can do a better job. I want him to be able to ask me anything and get a frank honest answerer, but I want to protect my wife's and my privacy. I want him to learn about sex in a healthy way, and then learn about all the different kinds of sex. I don't want him to be to losses his virginity to early or late, or have kids before he is ready.

I am left wondering how are children to suppose to learn safely what it is that they want in a partner. The Internet making information easily available but at the price of not knowing the person you are getting it from. Good websites are easy to find but none deal with sexual practices. Even today what is a young man to do?


  1. Thanks for the good post.

    In regards to your questions and comments about children, I can give a bit of advice. It's a difficult thing to manage as children grow and begin to explore more taboo subjects. The best advice I can give is to be fairly forward about some things yet a bit more passive on others.

    Always assume that once they hit a certain age (usually 12-15) that they will have access to anything and everything you could imagine. Basically, sex, drugs, and rock & roll will be at their fingertips in some way, shape, or form. At this point it's common for parents to wish to steer their children clear from mishaps but at the same time it's common for them to come across too forceful and cause their children to willingly disconnect from them as they become teens due to loss of trust.

    If you tell them not to and they want it bad enough, they will still find a way to do it without your knowledge or consent (and often in the wrong way).

    I find it's a bit of a balance with educating them and never losing their trust. You can't keep them from having sex, but you can teach them to use birth control and devices such as condoms to avoid pregnancy and STD's. Avoid the subject and they will do it in their own way. Scorn the idea of sex and it can warp them.

    It's okay to treat a son like "just another guy" sometimes. If you see him staring at an attractive woman, quietly comment that "she's pretty hot" or something like that to affirm him that his desires are natural and fine.

    The key is to keeping the communication lines open. The day that he nudges you with his elbow and goes "check her out" with a tilt of his head will be the day that you know he can talk to you about his sex life.

    At certain points you may wish to instigate some talks (they can be in a casual environment, such as while driving) about some of the more taboo subjects. Let him know it's okay to have desires and that things like masturbation are normal and not dirty. Let him know if he ever feels strange about something he desires that your ears are open to listening to him and talking about it.

    Teens are awkward and self-conscious as is and adding questions about their sexuality into the mix can wreak havoc on their psyche. The last thing you want is for him to feel ashamed about what arouses him. Shame can lead to secret fantasizing. Secret fantasizing can lead to fetishism. Fetishism can lead to obsession. Obsession can lead down a path of dangerous mistakes.

    For some reason this often seems to happen naturally with girls raised by single mothers but tends to break down in most families.

    I hope this helps.

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  3. The Internet is a mixed blessing. E.g. I've come across more than one guy who discovered BDSM too early and never got the hang of vanilla sex!